a new year

January 21, 2019

a new year

Hey, friends. If it's cold and snowy where you are, I hope you are able to slow down a little and breathe in this crisp-aired moment. My family and I love winter and snow. We love snuggling together inside our home on a cold night or having dance parties. We love getting out the morning after it snows and playing in all its freshness until we get too cold, only to come back in and soak the entire mud room floor with our wet clothes that we wore for twelve minutes, change into dry clothes and fuzzy socks, and crank the heat up until our noses lose their pinkness and our numb fingers and toes feel normal again. It's worth it to see the joy in our three year old as she discovers more and more fun in the magical blankets of powder.

As the new year has commenced, I know many have been reflecting on last year and thinking about what's to come. Most of us probably have some hopes, goals, and/or plans for the new year. I've enjoyed reading many posts and thoughts about how people plan to better themselves or exciting endeavors they plan to take on. I'm a pretty goal-oriented, driven kind of person and I don't take goals or "New Year's resolutions" lightly. I feel like we can set resolutions without a lot of thought or prayer if we're not careful. So I've really tried to take my time the last few weeks and reflect deeply while trying to sense the Spirit on what I might need to change or improve as I continue journeying into this fresh year...

I decided to choose to be very open and vulnerable and share with you what I've been thinking about. First, reflections on my role in my family.

2018 was one of the best years of our lives while also being one of the most challenging. We welcomed our second daughter into the world and experienced immense joy in watching her grow and marveling at all those scrumptious baby stages. We also experienced the sheer challenge of figuring out how to help her older, adopted sibling adjust to life with a new sister (mixed in with typical 2-3 yr old difficulties). We have found that most people assume a child adopted from birth (or in Allie's case, at two weeks old) won't have issues or trauma to work through because they're "too young to remember," or that they won't experience any adoption grief until they're much older. And neither of those things is the case at all. I am so incredibly grateful for my sister-in-law in this season. She and my brother have a daughter adopted from China, and while her story is different than Allie's in many ways, my bro and sis-in-law completely understand the challenges of this journey and have a great deal of Biblical and practical wisdom to offer. My sister-in-law has so graciously allowed me to vent and and ask for advice, and she continues to be an encouragement to me and always checks in to see how we're doing. She has been a breath of fresh air in a world where most people make statements like, "Oh, it's just the terrible two's. She'll get past it." The truth is, there is a much deeper struggle in Allie's beautiful little heart than simply being at a difficult age. She has already been through more hardship in her life than most adults have. And she's just coming to the age where she is trying to grasp it. Trying to understand and make sense of it. She knows her sister came from my belly, but she did not. She sees that her skin color is different than everyone else who's living in her home. She knows her story (or at least as much as she is able to understand right now). And how on earth do you grasp and embrace it all at three years of age? You don't. And so, day by day, we try to help her. We love her with everything in us and make sure she knows she is forever a part of us. But there are still moments where we are at a loss and aren't sure how to help or guide her. Yes, this is the journey we chose. We knew it wouldn't be easy. And the blessings far outweigh the struggles. I want to be clear on that. It's just a particularly difficult season, and I think it helps to say it out loud.

Jovie, our youngest, didn't start sleeping through the night until she was nine months old. So from January until October, I was a zombie. That along with the other struggles I just mentioned made me feel like I was in survival mode every day... the mode of keeping everyone fed and happy, going from one activity to the next with minimal meltdowns, connecting with my husband when I could, and doing it all while completely exhausted. I'm aware that probably almost every mom experiences this in one phase or another with multiple little ones in the house, and there's a season for everything. While I am so, so grateful for last year and my daily life, it was still hard. As the ambitious, driven person that I am, spending months of time in survival mode was both incredibly challenging and humbling. And so throughout the year my heart was searching for how to make the daily mundane purposeful. And that's what I want to grow in this year. Being more intentional and purposeful in our daily small tasks as a family, with the intent of practicing with our daughters how to love each other well and how to live with joy. I want to choose joy and compassion even in the most difficult of moments. I want to help foster love between my daughters and help them see how purely special their relationship can be.

I'm listening to One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp on audiobook. It is rocking my world, you guys. If you aren't familiar with it, the author, who has suffered great tragedy in her life, describes her journey to a joyful, thankful heart. Someone dared her to write down one thousand things she loved, or one thousand blessings, and slowly over time as her list grew, her heart grew in joy. Just tonight I listened to a part where she talks about how the world is in such a hurry all the time, and as a result, we are breaking our lives in doing so. At the very moments we think we are saving time, we are actually robbing ourselves because we are in such a rush we don't see the beauty of the moment we are in. While I am not in a general rushed pace of life right now as I spend most of my time at home with my kids, I do feel like I rush through a lot of moments with them just trying to get to the next thing, or anxious about getting something else done. This year I want to live and rest more in the very moment I'm in and find joy in doing so. I want to play extra songs at our dance parties when I'd normally be too tired to keep going. I want to do an extra puzzle with Allie. I want to hold Jovie just a bit longer before I lay her down for a nap. I want to talk to Luke for a bit longer before we go to sleep. I want to marvel at the sunset outside my kitchen window for just a little longer before I finish the dishes. I want to live fully, right where I am.

The other part of my recent reflection and thoughts about the new year regards how I feel about myself...

I didn't even realize it was happening at first, but slowly, over the past couple years, as a result of a few different situations and relationships in which I was disrespected and spoken to negatively, I began to lose confidence. I doubted my strengths and gifts. I even began to devalue myself. And I basically became a broken little duckling afraid of relationships. It took me until just recently to realize that those people's hurtful words have nothing to do with me. I am sad and disappointed I allowed them to infect my heart and mind for so long. I am now on the journey of casting those things out of my mind and heart and letting the truth of who God says I am fill me up and renew my spirit. I say journey because it's definitely not something that happens overnight.

Every night before bed, I have Allie repeat these words after me: "I am beautiful. I am brave. I am strong. I am kind. I am smart. I am loved. I am a child of God. I am a good big sister." We've done this now for about as long as she could talk.

It hit me the other day... Do I believe those words about MYSELF? And my eyes filled with ashamed tears. The enemy had really crept into my my mind and made me believe lies, so stealthy and undetected for awhile. I praise Jesus that He won and that His voice victoriously broke through and took me back. Now when I lead Allie in those statements, I say them for myself as much as I'm saying them for her.

So this year I want to be more in tune with the Spirit and His truthful whispers to me, not what broken people say to me. I want to pursue friendships unreservedly with confidence and joy. I want to rest in the all-encompassing love of Jesus that forgives my flaws and brings my strengths to light. I want to hear His voice so loudly and closely while the world's weak murmurs are in the far, far distance.