broken vessel

Has it really been that long since my last post?

I have missed this little place.  I assure you every day I think, "Ohhh, I should write about that," or "I should really share that."  And then the day comes and goes in a flash and at the end of it all I want to do is veg out for a bit.  I have finally gotten into a groove with my new job and balancing my other job, however there seems to always be something new to be slightly overwhelmed about.  If you've ever been a first year teacher, you know what I mean.

The last couple days I've been struggling with myself.  Yes, with me.  There's this picture in my head of the teacher I want to be, but the reality of the teacher I really am does not line up.  I am more impatient than I know I should be.  I allow one class to frustrate me so much that I don't give the next class my full joy.  I make many mistakes and I would love to go back and redo some of my decisions.  I suppose this is a taste of what it's like to be a mom... Feeling like you are far from the mother you envision yourself being.  Wishing you could go back and do something differently with a particular child...  I probably can't yet fully imagine all the feelings of inadequacy that mothers experience.

Here's what I do know:

I know that this continual struggle we feel (not just teachers or moms, but everyone) of not measuring up and not being who we would like to be reminds us in a painful but beckoning way that we are human and we are desperate for a Savior's hand to guide us, break us, mold us, and make us new. 

 When I look back through my prayer journal, I see a common thread... I request again and again for God to break me.  It's what I want - to be broken and wrecked of my selfishness and be restored with the humility, grace, and kindness of Christ.  While I ask for brokenness, I know it comes at a price, and it's painful.  It means dying… Letting go of myself and clinging to Jesus like my life depends on it, because it does.

He raises the broken to life.