why compassion shouldn't be seasoned

Loss and grief are frustrating.  One aspect of it is how the world around you treats you.  Whether it's a person or an animal or a home or something else, it seems that people show compassion when the loss is "fresh," but when it wears off for them, they forget that you still experience painful moments on a daily basis.

I'm guilty of it, too.  I see people every day who have dealt with loss and I don't remember, or if I do I often don't do anything about it.  And maybe in some moments it's better to not open the wound.

But there are times where people need to know that you care because they think everyone has forgotten.  And simply because it's nice to hear, "How have you been?... No, really, how have you been?"  And because maybe they just need a dang hug, for crying out loud.

The night we lost Sawyer was the worst day of my life.  That's saying a lot... I've lost family members and friends that I loved dearly.  But this was my baby, my baby that was with me every day for 3 and a half years... And the loss was different for me than Luke because I found Sawyer after it happened.

Not only have I dealt with losing him, but I've dealt with the memory of that night... Of scanning my flashlight to the road and seeing his lifeless body lying there on the edge of it.  Seriously one of the reasons I can't wait to get out of this house is because every day I look down our driveway and have that image of him lying there, and it's awful.  I hate that stupid highway.  I hate going to get our mail.  After I found him I ran carrying him back to the house, foolishly and desperately hoping to see some sign of life even though I could feel that he was completely limp in my arms.  I laid him down on our rug inside and screamed and cried and beat my fists on the ground.  It was some of the worst, most intense moments of my life.  And I was alone.

I've dealt with guilt.  I've dealt with the "what if's."  A dear friend reminded me, "No good can come from thinking those thoughts."  It's true, but it's hard not to go there when you want your baby back.  Just like any loss, I have moments where I have come to peace with it and other moments where suddenly I'm angry and sad again.

Indy and Huck are wonderful, but they aren't Sawyer.  In the same way my brother's children don't "make up for" their lost babies, my new dogs don't make everything okay again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, let's all be more mindful and compassionate about loss.  Let's remember that sometimes there are tears behind weary, forced smiles.  Let's remember that Mother's Day and Father's Day never get easier for some people.  Let's go the extra mile to show some extra love.  Let's help nurture precious souls who are just trying to get through the day and would appreciate some compassionate words out of the blue.

My sweet boy, if you were still here, we would have napped together today.

You would have sat in my lap while I checked my email.  You would have laid in the sunshine coming through the front door.  You would have cocked your head at me while I sang nonsense around the house.  You would have begged for our chicken leftovers.  You would have growled at the neighbors.  You would have run around outside under the sun and worn yourself out.

You would have loved today.