Something hard...

I'm going to write about something tough today.  Tough for me.

I want to write about it in case it helps the perspective of someone out there going through the same thing.  Honestly, mostly I want to write this so that I can keep coming back to it when I forget...

I live four hours from my family - my parents, brother and his family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, the whole shebang.  I've been struggling with feeling detached from them.  Mom and I talk or text every couple days or more and stay pretty closely connected.  My brother is my only sibling, and I miss him terribly.  He and his wife have 3 kiddos, a four year-old boy and one year-old twins (boy and girl).  Yesterday I was looking at a new batch of pictures my sister-in-law had emailed of the kids playing at a local children's garden.  As I looked at their sweet faces and happy selves playing in the dirt and wading in the creek, my bitter self kept thinking, 'If we still lived there I could have gone and played with them that day.'  I literally hate missing those moments.  The first time we saw Joshua, their twin boy, walking was on Skype.  While I am thankful for technology and what it allows us to do, my heart broke a little that I was watching those moments on a dang laptop screen.

Right now Luke and I are kind of in a transitional phase in our life.  We're living somewhere that we know will be temporary, but we're trying to be patient for the next phase and be responsible.  And we truly don't know where we'll end up next.  It could be back near my family.  It could be out of state.  It could be across the country.  We just want to be in God's will and honor Him in what He has called us to do.

The reality is, I may never know what it's like to live down the street from my brother.  I may never know the joy of our kids playing together on a regular basis.  I may never have the advantage of calling my mom up anytime and asking her to watch our kids for a couple hours.  This reality is not what I had dreamed for myself when I was fifteen.

But which is better, living a safe life spent with family all the time, or going to wherever God has called us and spending all our time with those who may not know Him?  Which is better, having a comfortable mindset or a kingdom mindset?  My deepest heart of hearts and the Word of God tell me, a kingdom mindset.  My family members are Christians.  They all know and love God.  I'll spend an eternity with them.

Jesus told the disciples to follow Him and to not look back... to not even say goodbye to their families.  He even told one to not take the time to go back to bury his own father. (Luke 9, Matt. 8)  In Luke 14:26 Jesus boldly states, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even their own life - such a person cannot be my disciple."  Does Jesus want us to hate people?  Of course not.  But in comparison with the love, unwavering devotion, and willingness we should have for our Savior, the love for everyone else in our life would be so miniscule and cheap, almost amounting to nothing.  The love we should have for Jesus should trump everything else, to the point that we won't hesitate for a second to leave it all behind and follow Him.

I'm not going to pretend I didn't write all this through "feeling sorry for myself" tears, complete with "woe is me" sighs.  I'm still figuring this thing out.  I'm still learning to trust.  I'm still learning how to put God and His mission for me above all else.

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that God keeps His promises.  Jesus said that whoever leaves everything for the sake of God's kingdom will "get back much more in this age and in eternal life." (Luke 18)

Another thing I know for sure... I'd rather have His divine and eternal blessings than my own selfish idea of temporary thrills and comforts.

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